Learning And Falling

     I learned a lot this week about mental health, which I'll share with you guys, but I also keep hitting new lows and it's worrisome for me. Going home has been on my mind quite frequently because while I wouldn't say I want to come home, my depression has gotten to the point that I'm wondering if that's what would be best for me. I'm going to the temple on Tuesday and I'm taking that question with me and honestly I wouldn't be surprised with either answer. The only thing that would be surprising is if I didn't get an answer because I know the power that comes with making and keeping covenants and I know that Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father don't want to leave us in darkness.

 

     We had success this week doing the work. We found 4 new people to teach, we had 4 of our friends come to church, and we put somebody, Saige, on date to be baptized for November 12th. Saige is an 11 year old girl who's rather shy, though she's gotten more comfortable around us, who belongs to a fully active family. The reason she hasn't been baptized yet is simply because of Covid, but still baptisms are always exciting. Jeff is also continuing to do well. We asked him about baptism this week and he told us he knows he's going to get baptized someday he's just waiting for his Heavenly Father to tell him when the time is right. One thing that was really cool today is we knocked on a door that the bishop sent us over to because one of their kids is unbaptized. The mom opened the door and introduced herself and we started chatting and we found out that she knows the Book of Mormon is true, but they aren't active though we don't know why. The conversation was getting awkward and my natural instinct was to say, well have a nice day we'll see you around. Instead what I actually said was, "have your kids been baptized?" I surprised myself with my boldness there, but she said yes all of them except the 9 year old. So then I asked the next question, would you like us to come over sometime and teach a quick lesson? She said, "yes, I would. I would like her to get baptized." That was so exciting to hear and it wouldn't have happened if I followed my natural instinct. 

     So, some interesting things I've learned about mental health from a life resilience class I'm taking as well as stuff from my counselor. First, the difference between stress and anxiety is that stress has an identifiable source whereas anxiety does not. As helpful as the brain is, it can't tell the difference between an animal attacking you or a test, so when you're stressed, your body is going into fight or flight mode with the chemicals it's producing; which is what's causing all the symptoms of stress including for me not talking because my body determined that talking is not something that's absolutely necessary for survival. When you're stressed, your frontal lobe where logical thinking happens gets bypassed so that you can instantaneously produce chemicals for fight or flight and this bypassing of logical thinking happens easier for people under 25 because the frontal lobe isn't fully developed until about that time. So a reason a lot of missionaries struggle with depression is because they don't ever really have a time to leave this fight or flight zone and so their body is releasing tons of chemicals that it doesn't exactly need, creating an overload, and consequently, also is ignoring releasing chemicals that, while not necessary for survival are still helpful when trying to enjoy life. 

     With my counselor we talked about how Satan is the father of all lies, which is repeated many times in the scriptures, and how if he's the father of ALL lies that would leave room for me to be the father of no lies. So for example if I feel like a failure after getting a B on a test, and obviously I'm not a failure for getting a B, then that would be a lie and therefore would come from Satan. This has helped me tremendously regarding suicidal thoughts. Before meeting with him, I had enough suicidal thoughts for me to question if it was my subconscious telling me that that's what I really wanted even if on the surface I kept telling myself that it's not what I want. Suicide is not what I want and my counselor helped reaffirm that is indeed not what I want and the reason I'm having these thoughts is because they come from Satan not because of anything in particular that's wrong with my mind.

      I'm getting help, I'll probably up my dosage for medication, like I said I'm going to the temple which is always helpful, I got permission to call other missionaries and talk to them about things when I need to, I'm in frequent communication with my mission president and his wife, I'm taking counseling, I'm taking life resilience, I know that I have a multitude of people praying, rooting, listening, doing everything they can to help me, and I know that my Savior is there. I know that he doesn't abandon people. I know that he loves me and has his arms around me. I know that no matter what answer I get at the temple,
it's where my Heavenly Father wants me to be. I'm not that mean either, I'll send a brief email tomorrow letting everybody know how it goes. 

  

              I love you guys. Talk to you again soon, Elder Blacker