If You Say So, Elder Holland

      I don't know what to make of this last week I've been experiencing a whole flood of emotions. For most of the week it wasn't great, I was still struggling with depression. 

      On Friday night, me and my companion finished planning for the next day and I said the closing prayer. I opened the prayer and I wanted to say, "I'm grateful for this day," but I ended up pausing, taking long deep breaths, and then hesitated again before finally spitting it out. Then when I finally did spit it out my heart just hurt because it wasn't true.  I wasn't grateful for the day. I then started to say something else I was grateful for and I again paused because I couldn't think of anything. After sitting there for a minute, realizing I was unable to grab a hold of anything that I've been blessed with, the rest of the prayer went as follows, "Heavenly Father, please help. *pause* I know you're there and I know that you care, but I feel abandoned right now. *longer pause* I just need some help right now."

       Saturday was awesome. I woke up feeling depressed and our first lesson I didn't say anything, but then we had a baptism which was nice and afterwards they had a taco bar and I got to hang out with some kids. I've realized being with little kids is something that just brings me happiness. I then carried that momentum through the day and after our last lesson we were biking to Fiiz and it literally felt like something unlocked in my heart. I realized that I was happy and it was the greatest feeling ever because it was a feeling that I hadn't felt in 3 weeks. I felt actual, true happiness. It felt so awesome and it was also so weird because it felt exactly like something in my heart unlocked and ever since then even when I'm not happy is felt different than the sadness I've felt the last 3 weeks. 

      Sunday was pretty great, I ended up bearing my testimony in all 3 sacrament meetings that we attended. 2 of them I shared the story of me praying and then told everybody that I know that Jesus Christ lives and loves me. The last time I bore my testimony it was really directed at Jeff one of our friends that we're teaching. Jeff has had a really hard life and actually just before we bore our testimonies he had to step outside because of the pain he's feeling from losing his family. He stepped outside and he looked up and he just started praying, but it was an anguished prayer, more of a plea and it reminded me of where I had been just 2 days before. So Jeff came inside and listened to our testimonies and after I bore my testimony Jeff shouted out, "Amen, Brother Blacker!" and clapped a bit before remembering where we were and apologizing. So that was cool to be able to quickly take my experience with depression and help somebody else who's really going through it.

       Also on Sunday Elder Jeffery R. Holland came and spoke to our mission. That was awesome especially because I got to be a part of a choir of 12 or so people that sang for him. We sang Quiet Grove, it's a song about the first vision, it's a great song. I like it and we did a great job performing. I'm so glad I got to be a part of it because it gave me something to enjoy everyday as me and Elder Raine practiced it everyday. We also got to go to a home with a pretty legit recording studio and sing and film a music video that they'll release on Facebook which was so cool. It also made it so that I got to be right next to Elder Holland because they put the choir in the first 2 rows. So I sat in the 2nd row in the very middle and it was neat because he was just right there. He had a good message. He spoke to us about making sure we take advantage of every moment we have as a missionary and also about the power and authority that we've been given by God. He's so passionate. He'll be making jokes and then he'll flip in an instant and be emphatically telling us to not waste time as he's pounding the pulpit. It was great though, super cool experience.

     Another thing he said that was super interesting was that he said he had no desire to talk about obedience to us because he could see in our faces that we were being obedient or at least that we were trying to be and that he talks to every mission about obedience, but he didn't have a desire to do that for our mission. I found that shocking because I hear a lot of stories about missionaries being disobedient, but I guess I need to change my perspective because most people are being obedient and I just don't hear about it, only the times someone's not being obedient does anyone say something. So that was super surprising and it was just a really cool experience overall. 

      I've also been feeling sad that a lot of my friends are leaving this transfer including 3 of the 4 missionaries that I talked to about my depression. Still, overall I'm still feeling so so much better than I did just a few days ago. I did it! I made it through another cycle of depression stronger than I was before. 

             Actually happy again, Elder Blacker