Being A Missionary Is Really, Really, Really Hard

      This is the bonus email that you might not exactly want. I'm about to get into the rather great toll that being a missionary takes on me and how I've been impacted and responded. The reason for me sharing this is to help you see what a sacrifice it truly is to go on a mission.

      This last week was really bad for me. My mental health has not been good in any way, shape, or form. I've been coming home every night feeling depressed and being put in this awful mental state. Every night I feel like I'm at my breaking point and every night I somehow come home feeling worse than the night I did before. As you'd expect, eventually I did hit my breaking point. On Sunday night I had a panic attack, losing control of any and all of my bodily functions. I was hyperventilating, shaking uncontrollably, and ended up on the ground crying/screaming out of frustration and anguish, but somehow I got up. I got up and ended up sharing the gospel with the next person that I saw. Then Monday night came and I again had a panic attack, just as before. At this point, I felt helpless. I felt like I was going to go out tomorrow and end up right where I had every night for the last week or so, just a little bit worse than the previous night. 

      Thankfully, that's not what happened, I've sought help and as much of it as I can possibly get. I've been talking to everybody, my mission president, his wife, my parents, 4 or 5 missionaries that I trust and respect, a counselor, all to know what I can do to give myself some hope again. It worked, everyone had a bit of a different perspective and I caught on to what I liked and discarded what I didn't. I now have a plan of attack, I know what I need to do to improve the situation, and I know that I can do it. For me personally part of my plan includes some low dose medication and that's ok, I have no reason to be ashamed of that and it's not going to be for everyone, I'm not entirely sure it will be for me, but I'm getting all the help that I can. I've found everyone I trust has given me some hope, some motivation, and some direction on how I can overcome this and I'm going to. 

      I'm going to continue on because I know that's what I want to do and I want to because I believe in what I'm doing. I know that Jesus Christ lives, I know that he loves me and that through him I can return to live with my Heavenly Father. I know the Book of Mormon to be the word of God and I know that it was written specifically for our day and that through it we can make it through life's challenges. My counselor has told me that a mission is going to be the hardest thing on my brain because it's all strain all the time with no breaks. It also takes all the ways you cope and tosses them aside, except for our Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ. They are the only coping mechanism while on a mission and so you learn to trust them, but it hurts while you're learning. 

      I know I already bore my testimony, but I'm going to again and again and again through my actions. You guys can know that I know this is true and the most beneficial and important thing for anyone and everybody's life by my choice to stay out here in Utah. My choice to get up in the morning and study and my choice to open my mouth and talk to these strangers who often have no interest in hearing what I have to say. You guys can know that I know this to be true because I haven't come home, I haven't stopped trying, and I haven't turned around, I've pressed forward. I know that Jesus is the Christ and I know that I'll be blessed for fighting for him and it's not easy, it's really not, but it wasn't easy for Christ either and his blessings are invaluable to me. 

              Don't get the wrong idea, a mission is awesome, but it'll test you and push you to your limits. I really do love you guys and I hope that you are doing well, Elder Blacker 

To end it on a lighter note, Elder Titus cut his hair and it looks horrible. I've included a before and after picture as well as my reaction to his new look.