My Depression Cycle

     Yup, this week kinda sucked. I'm at the beginning of what I've termed my depression cycle. Basically, the way I feel depression is I'll be really depressed for 1-2 weeks and then I'll be perfectly fine for a few months. It's been like that for a long as I can remember. My thoughts just turn really dark when I'm in this state and I hate it.

     Imagine your thoughts just putting you in this dark place, all the time. You're unable to pull yourself out of this darkness, how do you avoid your own thoughts? It's just about impossible. You try to do something that you enjoy and you feel nothing, no happiness, no hope. The absence of the good feelings that you expected only deepens the emptiness you feel. Now that you've learned you can't be happy and being around happy things only makes you feel a bigger and bigger void, you avoid things. You want to be alone, you hear someone talking or laughing and you turn away because you're afraid of what you'll feel when you're around them. You just keep having all these awful thoughts and feelings and you would do anything to prevent them. Yet somehow, someone asks if you're ok and you manage to smile and tell them you're fine, even fantastic, despite the pain that a simple smile brings because it further reminds you of what you're missing. Everything becomes a chore. Productivity no longer gives you fulfillment and consequently all the little things become a lot harder to find the motivation to accomplish. Why would I brush my teeth if I'll feel the exact same way regardless of if I do it or not? You don't get any fulfillment by staying busy so you stay in bed. Somehow though you feel even worse when you don't do anything. You pretend to be happy, but inside you're dead. You feel nothing and have no hope of getting out. 

     It all just sucks, but it's not like I've never done this before. Like I said, I've been in this cycle for a while. We had stake conference this week and the message was all about joy, I felt miserable. Then everyone stood up and sang, The Lord is my Light, and I couldn't. I couldn't get myself to sing about happiness and light, instead while everyone sang I sat down and cried. I felt better after crying, I always do. 

      Although I'm in Utah and not Norway so according to President Pierson it's unacceptable for me to be struggling because he struggled more. I also don't care that he said the only miracles are through results, I did see miracles this week and none of them had to do with us sharing the gospel. On Friday we went to the temple which is right next to Elder Stewart's favorite restaurant, I thought we were headed there but to my surprise we pulled up to In-N-Out. I don't think he realizes how much I needed that. Somehow In-N-Out has become my happy place and apparently it still is. The next day, one of my friends, shoutout to Whitney, sent me the exact scripture that I needed to hear at that moment. So follow promptings. Then we went to someone's house and I was able to just talk about basketball for an hour. Which kept my mind off of my own thoughts,  which was so nice. Nobody has any idea what each of these three things meant to me, but I'm so grateful. 

      I realize this email is probably really worrisome (sorry mom) but I promise I'll be fine. It won't last too long and I've done this before, quite a few times.

           Next week will be better, Elder Blacker